Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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