Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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