I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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