She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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