I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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