I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
So many bounce houses so little time
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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