I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
