I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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