i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
