So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
