I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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