Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Don't EVER smell your tampon
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
