can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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