is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
