The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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