That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize