the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
