She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
