On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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