Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
