the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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