My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
