Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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