I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
