The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
