Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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