I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
