I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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