sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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