The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
