Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
So apparently I’m into choking now
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