I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
