you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
