census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
