This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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