I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
