While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
