I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
i out mim tonsoeep
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