the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
