I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize