A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
