ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize