Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
