I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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