seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
