I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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