I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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