So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
