Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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