Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize