____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
