Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
