did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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