the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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