Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I love having hate sex.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize