it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
