Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
