Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
