Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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