Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You're a waste of cheezeits
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
