i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Randomize
