I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
