Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
