We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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