I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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