did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
