on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
