an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
