I want you more than these girls want KFC
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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