that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
