It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
We have so much sex to catch up on
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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