Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
we have pet lesbian snakes
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
